Friday, December 17, 2010

Spot on Predictions for Next Year!!

This holiday season, instead of getting fat iskies from dumb sleeper ships; or pwning noobs that don't belong in wormholes; or giggling like a child over killing your shiny new Echelon; I've decided on a different approach. I've pulled out my crystal ball I've had in storage (don't ask how long), and although it smells a bit funny, I've used its power to come up with fool-proof stories and predictions from Eve in 2011.

So kick back, grab yourself an egg nog or brew while I pound back a few whiskey shots and lets get to business. And remember, don't take life too seriously, as no one gets out alive anyway.

My first prediction is learning skills. We all know they have already went away with very little fanfare. My prediction was that they were going to go away and no one was going to care (editors note: I know, this already happened. Give me a break as I started writing this last week man). And look! No one cares. All of the hubbub about “don't take my learning skills,” and “this takes away choice,” and “your dumbing the game down,” and “the sky is falling, chicken little” died down the minute the patch hit. NO ONE CARES. It was a win for everyone, so no one really had any right to bitch. But because its the internet, everyone has the right to bitch. And so they do. But after its all said and done, back to business as usual. The fact that I was right about this last week gives credence to the rest of my predictions. If I'm right on this one, clearly the rest are going to be right as well. Keep that in mind as we roll on.

The Sansha invade! Oh the horror, the madness, the “WTF-my-drake-is-the-most-OP-thing-ever-no-freaking-way-it-just-got-blowd-up”. Carebear tears are rampant. Those bears not in a proper convoy get smoked immediately, the whine is so great the servers shut down for 3 days. CCP is overwelmed by in game demands to get their ship back “because they thought they could tank it by themselves, after all, they can do level 4 angels extravaganza without ever breaking tank how could this possibly be different.” Eventually when the servers come back up some wormholers come out w-space and smoke the content, much to the chagrin of the bears. Over the period of the next month people slowly start to get how to defeat the content and stealing, backstabbing and mayhem ensues as PUG groups are formed to farm the content. More tears. More tickets. CCP begins to rethink this entire loot drop approach. They announce a possible change to loyalty points and, the internet being the internet, the backlash is insane. People will post up arguments like “I stole mine the right and proper way, no way those assholes who I stole it from should be able to EARN it... thats, thats... madness!”

CCP introduces a new UI! The world rejoices. Unfortunately, they hired an engineer guy from RIM and not an asshole from Apple (editors disclaimer: I hate Apple, Steve Jobs, and the products. But even I have to admit they make an intuitive UI. Pity it costs 3 times as much and uses last years tech). The result? The UI still sucks, it still acts like a spreadsheet, and you have to actually take a class to figure out how to use it. Which seems silly to everyone but CCP. When asked by CSM why it's this way, CCP quickly pointed out that walking in stations is coming the next big expansion. Ooo! Shiny! Maybe we'll finally get buttons for drones....

I can't control all aspects of the the UI!!!!  Therefore, NO ONE WILL!!!

Here's a prediction you can take to the bank. Black Ops ships? Yeah they still suck. For the entirety of the 2011 calendar year. You heard it here first!

Team Gridlock still has no idea what they are doing. I know it SEEMS like they do. They write a great blog with graphs and everything. Eve players like graphs, they are like shiny coins that catch attention. They implement a few patches. And a few more “Optional” patches. And a few more. Lag is reduced by 30% they excitedly claim in a blog post (complete with a graph; bitches love graphs). Unfortunately, it really doesn't do anything since your wait time to actually DO something after jumping into system went from 5 minutes to 3 and a half minutes. Team Gridlock soldiers on.

File this one under the “Strange but True” files. In optional patch number 45,908 that will be deployed sometime in the beginning of next year will fix something silly like a re-size text bug. Its side effects are a bit more interesting. For one it will miraculously fix lag for just about everyone. Instead of staying however, the patch lasts 24 hours as it somehow disables the caps lock button. In a strange twist of irony, thousands of scammers in Jita 4-4 post tickets about the need to have caps lock back, as they can't do business without shouting over the rest of the scammers. CCP disables the patch before Team Gridlock even knows about the beneficial effects.

PL keeps winning in Null Sec. No one knows how to stop them.

CSM launches the much anticipated “Make Low Sec Matter!” campaign. CCP listens patiently, then tries to distract them with the words “walking in stations” and “micro-transactions”. But CSM stands resolute and ignores bait that is obvious bait. CCP sighs and declares they are taking it under advisement. Eventually, they adopt only half of the proposal. The result? Low sec still sucks. CSM blames CCP for not taking the entire proposal, and I giggle the entire time as Low sec is not broken from a game mechanic standpoint. Oh sure, it might drag in a few more “sheep” but it will also attract twice as many “wolves”. Within a month Low Sec returns to its sucky, sorry ass state. Eventually people realize its not the game mechanics but rather the PLAYERS who put it in its current state, therefore it falls on the PLAYERS to do something to make it better. Since no one cares that much, nothing is done. CSM vows to keep pushing for no reason other then “if you woulda implemented the entire plan....”

Micro-transactions become a way of life. And like learning skills, everyone gets their collective panties in a twist, but after it hits, no one cares. No one jumps off roofs, no one walks out the airlock, nothing. Well, except this one guy who leaves a sweet ragequit post on the forums. We all laugh for days, then go right back to playing.

CSM elections. One man will run with only the support of 5 dead presidents, a dead inventor, all of the current members of Atlas, and the slogan “One porn-star pole dancer in every hangar.” CCP will enjoy the slogan so much an emergency patch is created that introduces the Porn-star Pole Dancer item. Jita 4-4 market immediately melts down as demand far “outstrips” supply for pole dancers, booze and drugs. Another emergency patch is created that kills the item on the advice of Team Gridlock, who still clearly have no f'ing idea what they are doing. But it MIGHT cause lag, so its killed. Space once again becomes a lonely, cold place once again. The man running for CSM loses in a landslide.

We get new ships! And in a flash of insight, CCP introduces ships that cross platform systems that are not some crazy expensive pirate faction model. The Gallente get the Medusa, a drone spewing, laser wielding chicken of death. The Minmatar get Weathervane, a Hybrid wielding engine of close death. The Amarr get Venter, the only ship in the Amarr to sport a shield tank. The Caldari get the Cockroach, a shield tanked wielder of missiles. When asked how this was any different then the Drake, the Caldari people replied “its cause we use Minmatar missiles, duh!” Not so bright, those Caldari. But then again everyone thinks its OP, might as well have two. Crafty.

CCP: Hey we're gonna give you a new ship for Christmas 2011! Bet you can't guess what it is! What was that you said? A useless, station bound ship that has nothing but a midslot for analyzing? How, how did you know? WHO FUCKING LEAKED THIS INFO??? Stevie?? Well no matter. You don't know the name of the ship. HA! Who has the last laugh now!

Well, some of these might come true.  Or none.  As I said, it's been awhile since I dusted this damn thing off. 

Its all for jokes, folks.  Enjoy.  And Happy Holidays!

1 comment:

  1. I just found your blog today. Highly amusing post. Keep it up :)